Monday, January 31, 2011
Goodbye Bravo
We had to put one of our dogs to sleep yesterday. He was 12 years old and had a very good life, but it is still hard. He was such a good dog. RIP Bravo. We are going to miss you so much.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
How It Feels; a Love Letter to My Husband
How do you write about love? How do you make someone else understand a feeling that is so big and ever expanding? How can you share with the world how it feels to be loved so completely by someone that you love so completely?
I know that I am special. I know that not everyone gets to have this. Still, even after all of this time, I am afraid to be too happy or start to feel that this could last forever. I am afraid to touch something this beautiful. I have learned in my life that, just as the bad times eventually pass, everything good can also be taken away with time. Things that feel so real can slip through your fingers like burning hot sand until it mixes you up so bad that you can never recover. I don’t want what we have to be that way. I need this to be real.
For someone who believes in nothing for certain, I feel that I have known you before now. I want to believe that a person has many soul mates who they are destined to find again and again in each new life. There are people that I do not want to let go of, even in death. People who I love who have loved me. I do not want death to be the end for me and them, and I do not want it to be the end for us.
Sometimes when I hold you I want to cry because even if I have you until the end of this life, our time together will be too short. I want to keep meeting you again and again in the next life and then the next forever and ever. I want us to always find each other. Maybe next time I will be your mother, or your sister or your little baby. I don’t care if we are snails as long as I can find you and feel this way again.
From a very early age I expected to be alone. On my walk home from school in sixth grade I had to pass by a forlorn looking old house with an over run yard filled with too many cats. When I passed this house, I always thought to myself, “I will be like the woman who lives in that house, or even that house itself. I will always be alone and I will never know what it is like to have someone really love me enough to stay with me and belong to me.” I knew with every piece of me that I would never let anyone in, and I never did until there was you and suddenly I was someone else; someone who could love and could be loved. I never saw it coming.
Despite my fears, there is nothing I know as surely as I know that I will always love you and you will always love me. To lose your love would surely mean that love can never be permanent or real. I know that you are not only my one chance at feeling that real love exists for me, but also that it exists for anyone.
I love you so much. I love us so much. You and I together are far better than you and I apart. I am still myself without you, but I need you to be us. I will never leave you. I will never hurt you. As long as you want me, I am yours. The best part about loving you so much is that I know in my heart that you feel the same way about me.
You are so easy to love. You are my home. You are my most precious gift.
I know that I am special. I know that not everyone gets to have this. Still, even after all of this time, I am afraid to be too happy or start to feel that this could last forever. I am afraid to touch something this beautiful. I have learned in my life that, just as the bad times eventually pass, everything good can also be taken away with time. Things that feel so real can slip through your fingers like burning hot sand until it mixes you up so bad that you can never recover. I don’t want what we have to be that way. I need this to be real.
For someone who believes in nothing for certain, I feel that I have known you before now. I want to believe that a person has many soul mates who they are destined to find again and again in each new life. There are people that I do not want to let go of, even in death. People who I love who have loved me. I do not want death to be the end for me and them, and I do not want it to be the end for us.
Sometimes when I hold you I want to cry because even if I have you until the end of this life, our time together will be too short. I want to keep meeting you again and again in the next life and then the next forever and ever. I want us to always find each other. Maybe next time I will be your mother, or your sister or your little baby. I don’t care if we are snails as long as I can find you and feel this way again.
From a very early age I expected to be alone. On my walk home from school in sixth grade I had to pass by a forlorn looking old house with an over run yard filled with too many cats. When I passed this house, I always thought to myself, “I will be like the woman who lives in that house, or even that house itself. I will always be alone and I will never know what it is like to have someone really love me enough to stay with me and belong to me.” I knew with every piece of me that I would never let anyone in, and I never did until there was you and suddenly I was someone else; someone who could love and could be loved. I never saw it coming.
Despite my fears, there is nothing I know as surely as I know that I will always love you and you will always love me. To lose your love would surely mean that love can never be permanent or real. I know that you are not only my one chance at feeling that real love exists for me, but also that it exists for anyone.
I love you so much. I love us so much. You and I together are far better than you and I apart. I am still myself without you, but I need you to be us. I will never leave you. I will never hurt you. As long as you want me, I am yours. The best part about loving you so much is that I know in my heart that you feel the same way about me.
You are so easy to love. You are my home. You are my most precious gift.
Buy, Buy Love
Having very few bills (especially now that my hospital bills are paid off and I don’t have to spend money on ostomy supplies any more), not having any children yet, and having a pretty good steady income is the perfect recipe for becoming a very self-indulgent person. Being someone who loves good food, beautiful clothes and basically spoiling myself, I have become quite accustomed to spending every last penny of my paycheck almost as soon as I get it (and loving every minute of it, thank you very much!).
My clothes buying really got out of hand last year because I got so sick. I was home by myself all of the time, and on-line shopping was a fun and easy way for me to forget about my troubles. Also, I rationalized that I needed to buy new clothes every month because my weight was dropping so quickly and I wanted clothes that looked good and fit well. Then, when I got my ostomy and was able to eat better my weight went back up, so of course I needed new clothes again. Shopping became my therapy.
In 2011, I plan on being the best me possible, and unfortunately, I think that is going to mean that I take a good hard look at my vices and see what needs to be changed. One thing that should help me with this is the fact that my husband and I are combining our finances. My new “allowance” (my husband gets the same amount as well) is $150 a pay period (every two weeks). That is to cover clothes, movies, and non-food related fun. The rest of my paycheck will now go into a joint account with my husband which we will use for rent, bills, medical, food and all other expenses. If possible, we would like to be able to save a little bit of money too.
Of course, this is a perfectly reasonable way to live, but it is making me a bit nervous since it means that I will have to cut down on my clothes buying quite a bit, and that is pretty much the most fun thing in my life. In fact, it is very hard for me because I have become very accustomed to buying what I liked when I wanted until my paychecks were gone and I was forced to cool it for a while.
My first plan of action is to go on a little clothes diet. This is pretty much being forced on me by the new budget plan. Honestly, I am not happy about it, but at the same time if I don’t start looking at this issue now, it is only going to get worse.
Secondly, I am going to try to replace spending with exercise. I have never been very athletic, but ever since my second surgery, I have felt better than I ever have in my life and no longer have any excuses not to get in shape. I have got a good start already, as I have been walking or doing Zumba several days a week for the last few weeks. It would be nice to get in shape before the summer anyway, so that I can spend the summer in a bathing suit without being overly self conscious.
Over all, I am ready to make some changes, but I know it is going to be hard. I am already feeling the withdrawals.
My clothes buying really got out of hand last year because I got so sick. I was home by myself all of the time, and on-line shopping was a fun and easy way for me to forget about my troubles. Also, I rationalized that I needed to buy new clothes every month because my weight was dropping so quickly and I wanted clothes that looked good and fit well. Then, when I got my ostomy and was able to eat better my weight went back up, so of course I needed new clothes again. Shopping became my therapy.
In 2011, I plan on being the best me possible, and unfortunately, I think that is going to mean that I take a good hard look at my vices and see what needs to be changed. One thing that should help me with this is the fact that my husband and I are combining our finances. My new “allowance” (my husband gets the same amount as well) is $150 a pay period (every two weeks). That is to cover clothes, movies, and non-food related fun. The rest of my paycheck will now go into a joint account with my husband which we will use for rent, bills, medical, food and all other expenses. If possible, we would like to be able to save a little bit of money too.
Of course, this is a perfectly reasonable way to live, but it is making me a bit nervous since it means that I will have to cut down on my clothes buying quite a bit, and that is pretty much the most fun thing in my life. In fact, it is very hard for me because I have become very accustomed to buying what I liked when I wanted until my paychecks were gone and I was forced to cool it for a while.
My first plan of action is to go on a little clothes diet. This is pretty much being forced on me by the new budget plan. Honestly, I am not happy about it, but at the same time if I don’t start looking at this issue now, it is only going to get worse.
Secondly, I am going to try to replace spending with exercise. I have never been very athletic, but ever since my second surgery, I have felt better than I ever have in my life and no longer have any excuses not to get in shape. I have got a good start already, as I have been walking or doing Zumba several days a week for the last few weeks. It would be nice to get in shape before the summer anyway, so that I can spend the summer in a bathing suit without being overly self conscious.
Over all, I am ready to make some changes, but I know it is going to be hard. I am already feeling the withdrawals.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A New Start
2010 was all about hospital beds and wedding bells for me, and while it was a year I will never forget and probably the most important year of my life so far, I can’t say I’m not glad to see it go.
I have started this year with some new scars but I am pain free and ready to try life as a healthy person for the first time since I was 13 (I am 27 now). I have goals and I have dreams, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually begin to hope that they might actually have a chance at coming true.
This year my husband and I are going to try to purchase our own home. We are looking for a small three bedroom house with a nice sized garage (for my husband) and a nice sized yard (for our dogs). We need three bedrooms so that I will have an office for my writing and so that we will have an extra room in case we decide to have children down the line. Until then, out extra room will be a guest room. I also need a bath tub (I’m a bath girl!) and a big closet (although some of my clothes might have to live in the closet in my office).
I am very excited about the idea of decorating our very own place. I can’t wait to buy couch covers and curtains that will reflect my husbands and my own taste. I also can’t wait to use some of the lovely gifts we have been saving since our wedding, such as the couch pillows my sister and her boyfriend gave us. I am also itching to put up the prints (and a few original pieces) of art we have collected over our four years together. In my head, I can see each perfect little room.
Another one on my major life goals for the year is to take a French class. I am not very good with languages but I have this lovely idea that I will go to Paris for my 30th birthday and I want to have some sort of grasp of the language before I go. I figure two and a half years of study will at least allow me to get by while I am there.
I am also trying pretty hard to keep myself healthy for as long as possible. Of course, I do not have total control over that aspect of my life, but I want to know that I am doing everything that is in my power. I have been eating as well as I can (not always easy for a person who has Crohn’s) and trying to exercise as much as possible. I walk a lot, and I am also trying Zumba. In fact, I have my third class ever in about two hours. So far I am enjoying myself, despite my lack of coordination and ability to follow simple directions (please oh please don’t ever make me try to do the electric slide again!).
My last big goal is to get something published this year. If last year taught me anything it is that time is precious and you need to make your own dreams come true while you have the chance.
Over all, I am very excited to start a bran spanking New Year with a clean slate. I really feel like this is going to be a great year for me and all of the people I love. Happy 2011 self!
I have started this year with some new scars but I am pain free and ready to try life as a healthy person for the first time since I was 13 (I am 27 now). I have goals and I have dreams, and for the first time in a long time, I can actually begin to hope that they might actually have a chance at coming true.
This year my husband and I are going to try to purchase our own home. We are looking for a small three bedroom house with a nice sized garage (for my husband) and a nice sized yard (for our dogs). We need three bedrooms so that I will have an office for my writing and so that we will have an extra room in case we decide to have children down the line. Until then, out extra room will be a guest room. I also need a bath tub (I’m a bath girl!) and a big closet (although some of my clothes might have to live in the closet in my office).
I am very excited about the idea of decorating our very own place. I can’t wait to buy couch covers and curtains that will reflect my husbands and my own taste. I also can’t wait to use some of the lovely gifts we have been saving since our wedding, such as the couch pillows my sister and her boyfriend gave us. I am also itching to put up the prints (and a few original pieces) of art we have collected over our four years together. In my head, I can see each perfect little room.
Another one on my major life goals for the year is to take a French class. I am not very good with languages but I have this lovely idea that I will go to Paris for my 30th birthday and I want to have some sort of grasp of the language before I go. I figure two and a half years of study will at least allow me to get by while I am there.
I am also trying pretty hard to keep myself healthy for as long as possible. Of course, I do not have total control over that aspect of my life, but I want to know that I am doing everything that is in my power. I have been eating as well as I can (not always easy for a person who has Crohn’s) and trying to exercise as much as possible. I walk a lot, and I am also trying Zumba. In fact, I have my third class ever in about two hours. So far I am enjoying myself, despite my lack of coordination and ability to follow simple directions (please oh please don’t ever make me try to do the electric slide again!).
My last big goal is to get something published this year. If last year taught me anything it is that time is precious and you need to make your own dreams come true while you have the chance.
Over all, I am very excited to start a bran spanking New Year with a clean slate. I really feel like this is going to be a great year for me and all of the people I love. Happy 2011 self!
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