Beautiful Scars

Look who else had a scar on her tummy!  She had just had her gallbladder removed before this picture was taken. Unfortunately, this was not long before she died.  Somehow this picture is so sad, beautiful and strong all at once.

Chronic Illness and Work

Here’s a symptom of chronic illness that the Drs will never warn you about.  Being chronically ill means that you will most likely get labeled as lazy, irresponsible and someone who can’t be counted on to be able to get things done in the work place.   It doesn’t matter that it isn’t fair.  It doesn’t matter that it isn’t true.  It is what it is no matter where you work, or how hard you work while you are there.  There will come a day, a week, a month, when you will need surgery, hurt too much, or just be too run down because your body is constantly fighting itself, to go to work, or to be able to “just do your best” while you are there going through the motions.  Or more accurately, you will do your best; your best just won’t be all that great. 

The first time it happens, they will send flowers.  They will tell you how concerned they are, and how you need to take care of yourself, and just get better.  The second time, they will try not to be annoyed, but the little signs that this being sick thing is getting old and it is about time you cut it out, will start to show up on their faces if not in their words.  By the third time your disease has the nerve to affect your life and consequently your ability to do your job, people start thinking, “yeah yeah yeah, we get it.  But it is time you just get better already.”

You want to shout, “What part of ‘Chronic disease’ don’t you understand? “  But instead you say, “I’m sorry if anyone was inconvenienced by my absence.  I am feeling much better and I’m sure I will be okay from now on.”  You say these things because you feel grateful that you still have a job, and you know that nothing good can come from yelling at your boss.  It doesn’t matter that it isn’t your fault. It doesn’t matter that you want to be there working and earning your paycheck just like any healthy person can; it is just that sometimes your body doesn’t let you.   

For me, trying to work and keep a job is the hardest part of this illness.  It is harder than missing vacations, harder than hospital stays and harder than any other symptom this disease can throw at me.  Having to explain myself again and again makes me feel weak and embarrassed.  Having to apologize for being sick makes me plain old angry. 

I am not an unhappy person, and most of the time I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I accept that there are things beyond my control, and I am grateful for the gifts in my life.  I know that everyone on this planet has their cross to bear, be it physical or mental illness, the passing of a loved one, childhood trauma, or any number of things that we can’t see just by looking at someone.  I know that I am well loved, and therefore better off than most.  I am just sick to death of having to prove myself again and again, or feel guilty for something that I would gladly change if it was in my power.  

Still, I know that I cannot dictate how people react to me or my disease, or any other aspect of my life for that manner.  All I can do is pick myself up, try again, and try to live the best way I can, in and out of the office.  I cannot stop anyone else from judging me.  But I can control how I judge myself.  I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life, professionally and other wise, while dealing with this disease.  I work hard, and I do my best to stay well.  I am a good person.  I am doing the best I can.  That is all anyone can do. 

Being Sick Sucks!!!!

I'm having a hard day.  I haven't been feeling well, so I have been working from home and I let a ball fall on a project at work.  I feel terrible.

When you are sick, you are ether not taking care of yourself, you are letting others down, or both.  As long as I am sick and working, I will always be letting people down when I unfortunately and unavoidably get sick and let a ball fall.  I don't know what the answer is, but I just can't live this way forever.

I'm not sure what to do, and I hate grown up decisions.  I feel very sad and stuck.  So, welcome to the pity party, leave your presents in the comment section and make me feel better!

Dog Day

It's a good thing that dogs can't die in place of the people that they love, or no person with a dog would ever die!    

My dogs look at me with so much love, I know that they would do anything to make me happy.  I have the best little mutt butts in the world, and they have been keeping me company and loving on me all day.  I haven't been feeling well today (Crohn's sucks!), but it has been a good day thanks to them anyway.  :)

LOVE

After my first surgery last year, I went to Alaska to visit my parents and heal, and my husband went with me to help take care of me.  It was my first time dealing with my ostomy out in the world.  It was hard and things did not always go as smoothly as I would have hoped, but Jer was always there to remind me that everything was okay, and that he loved me so much.

One of the days we were there, we went to the coast with my folks, and when I wasn’t looking, Jer wrote this is the sand.  I don’t know why it touched me the way it did, but it was lovely.  I love my husband so much.  I think that part of the reason that I love him so much is because of how much he loves me, and vice-versa.  It is wonderful to know someone who thinks you are so great, for whatever and whoever you are, especially if you feel the same way about them.  Every moment we have together is a gift, no matter what is going on around us. 

Scars

I know it is an odd thing, but I really like my scars.  Even the ones on my face.  To me, they are a badge of honor.  They show that I went through something once, and I was strong enough to get through it and keep going.  I am especially proud of the ones on my tummy, because I feel like I earned them.  I know it is odd, and a lot of people might think they look ugly, but to me they really are kind of beautiful.  It took some getting used to, but even my new funny belly button that is off center and sort of making a little cave to the right is okay with me. 

Hard to tell what is going on in this photo, but it is a bloated post surgery tummy upside down (all photos are after my reversal surgery and taken with the camera on my phone).

Here is when my wounds started to heal.

Here is several months ago.  I had already gained about ten pounds since my surgery. 

Here is a few days ago, ten more pounds on (funny what happens when it doesn't hurt to eat!).  Totally healed.