How do you write about love? How do you make someone else understand a feeling that is so big and ever expanding? How can you share with the world how it feels to be loved so completely by someone that you love so completely?
I know that I am special. I know that not everyone gets to have this. Still, even after all of this time, I am afraid to be too happy or start to feel that this could last forever. I am afraid to touch something this beautiful. I have learned in my life that, just as the bad times eventually pass, everything good can also be taken away with time. Things that feel so real can slip through your fingers like burning hot sand until it mixes you up so bad that you can never recover. I don’t want what we have to be that way. I need this to be real.
For someone who believes in nothing for certain, I feel that I have known you before now. I want to believe that a person has many soul mates who they are destined to find again and again in each new life. There are people that I do not want to let go of, even in death. People who I love who have loved me. I do not want death to be the end for me and them, and I do not want it to be the end for us.
Sometimes when I hold you I want to cry because even if I have you until the end of this life, our time together will be too short. I want to keep meeting you again and again in the next life and then the next forever and ever. I want us to always find each other. Maybe next time I will be your mother, or your sister or your little baby. I don’t care if we are snails as long as I can find you and feel this way again.
From a very early age I expected to be alone. On my walk home from school in sixth grade I had to pass by a forlorn looking old house with an over run yard filled with too many cats. When I passed this house, I always thought to myself, “I will be like the woman who lives in that house, or even that house itself. I will always be alone and I will never know what it is like to have someone really love me enough to stay with me and belong to me.” I knew with every piece of me that I would never let anyone in, and I never did until there was you and suddenly I was someone else; someone who could love and could be loved. I never saw it coming.
Despite my fears, there is nothing I know as surely as I know that I will always love you and you will always love me. To lose your love would surely mean that love can never be permanent or real. I know that you are not only my one chance at feeling that real love exists for me, but also that it exists for anyone.
I love you so much. I love us so much. You and I together are far better than you and I apart. I am still myself without you, but I need you to be us. I will never leave you. I will never hurt you. As long as you want me, I am yours. The best part about loving you so much is that I know in my heart that you feel the same way about me.
You are so easy to love. You are my home. You are my most precious gift.
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