Here’s a symptom of chronic illness that the Drs will never warn you about. Being chronically ill means that you will most likely get labeled as lazy, irresponsible and someone who can’t be counted on to be able to get things done in the work place. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t fair. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t true. It is what it is no matter where you work, or how hard you work while you are there. There will come a day, a week, a month, when you will need surgery, hurt too much, or just be too run down because your body is constantly fighting itself, to go to work, or to be able to “just do your best” while you are there going through the motions. Or more accurately, you will do your best; your best just won’t be all that great.
The first time it happens, they will send flowers. They will tell you how concerned they are, and how you need to take care of yourself, and just get better. The second time, they will try not to be annoyed, but the little signs that this being sick thing is getting old and it is about time you cut it out, will start to show up on their faces if not in their words. By the third time your disease has the nerve to affect your life and consequently your ability to do your job, people start thinking, “yeah yeah yeah, we get it. But it is time you just get better already.”
You want to shout, “What part of ‘Chronic disease’ don’t you understand? “ But instead you say, “I’m sorry if anyone was inconvenienced by my absence. I am feeling much better and I’m sure I will be okay from now on.” You say these things because you feel grateful that you still have a job, and you know that nothing good can come from yelling at your boss. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t your fault. It doesn’t matter that you want to be there working and earning your paycheck just like any healthy person can; it is just that sometimes your body doesn’t let you.
For me, trying to work and keep a job is the hardest part of this illness. It is harder than missing vacations, harder than hospital stays and harder than any other symptom this disease can throw at me. Having to explain myself again and again makes me feel weak and embarrassed. Having to apologize for being sick makes me plain old angry.
I am not an unhappy person, and most of the time I don’t feel sorry for myself. I accept that there are things beyond my control, and I am grateful for the gifts in my life. I know that everyone on this planet has their cross to bear, be it physical or mental illness, the passing of a loved one, childhood trauma, or any number of things that we can’t see just by looking at someone. I know that I am well loved, and therefore better off than most. I am just sick to death of having to prove myself again and again, or feel guilty for something that I would gladly change if it was in my power.
Still, I know that I cannot dictate how people react to me or my disease, or any other aspect of my life for that manner. All I can do is pick myself up, try again, and try to live the best way I can, in and out of the office. I cannot stop anyone else from judging me. But I can control how I judge myself. I am proud of what I have accomplished in my life, professionally and other wise, while dealing with this disease. I work hard, and I do my best to stay well. I am a good person. I am doing the best I can. That is all anyone can do.
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